What do you think of this intro to a children's story?

Dallilor, home of Tom and his sister, Letitia, was different to other towns. For a start, it was at the bottom of a valley, surrounded by majestic, white- capped mountains. The still, simple peaks soothed the people’s minds and kept Dallilor hidden from the world. Hidden so well that you can only hear about it in a story, a story you might not even believe.

So, until then, it was only the people of Dallilor who knew about the wild magical water that swam into the town, and the wonderful effects it gave their world. Seven different rivers of seven different colours sang down from the mountains, bright, brilliant and dancing with the flavours of life.

Tom and Letitia’s Dad worked as the Town organiser. He had the same job as a king or Prime Minister would have; his title was modest but his responsibilities large. Their mother was the Town Healer. She was like a doctor in one of our normal towns, but she could cure illness with just her warm, gentle hands. Though their jobs were serious, they never were, they were as playful and energetic as the whole of Dallilor, as alive as the water that flowed in their veins.

Circus Square! The centre of Dallilor! The place where the seven streams united, forming one glorious fountain that burst towards the skies. In the pool around the fountain the waters mixed and swirled, formed and compounded, rising and bubbling into real, actual, living shapes, making anything, anything that you can imagine.

Water musicians whose harmonies were soft and smooth as velvet, acrobats who lost themselves amongst their moves, liquid lions leaping through multi- coloured hoops. There was as much life outside of the water as within it, for it fed into the flowerbeds and the trees, into the people, even into the houses, and infected everything with it’s ways.

The music tree was the tallest tree in Dallilor, it had grown with holes in its hollow trunk, to form a natural flute. Just a simple breeze could send melodies reaching for the skies, the branches swaying in delight. On their days off school, Letitia and Tom sometimes climbed into the hollow trunk. It was a warm wooden sanctuary, and they could talk about their teachers, play cards, or pretend to be ghosts when people walked past.

Most of the flowers hadn’t learnt to make sound, but they’d learnt other things; toss a small ball at a flowerbed and they’d ‘head’ it to each other until one of them let the side down. Wave to a flowerbed of a morning and you’d get a warm wave back. Some of the more flexible flowers had learnt to write; they lay down in shapes that formed the letters. Letitia in particular liked to stop and talk to literate flowerbeds.

‘Do you think you could help me with my homework?’

WELL MAYBE / WHAT’S IT ABOUT? (The flowerbeds weren’t long enough to spell out long answers in one go. The / above represents the flowers pausing to rearrange themselves.)

‘Ornithology, you know, birds and stuff.’

OH I SEE, YOU / THINK WE’VE GOT / NOTHING BETTER / TO DO ALL DAY/ THAN LOOK AT/ BIRDS. WELL YOU’RE / PROBABLY RIGHT

‘So you’ll help me then, because I’m stuck.’

YES OK THEN…(does this tone work with the flowerbeds? I’m not sure about it.)

‘Hello there Letitia, and what might you be doing?’

‘Oh nothing, Mrs. Prude.’

‘Not chatting with the flowerbeds again are you? When you should be at home studying?’

‘Well… I was just saying hello.’

‘Good, because that assignment on ornithology’s in on Monday , and if you’re not familiar with Dallilor’s birds by then… well.’

‘I will be Mrs. Prude.’

SHE TOLD YOU

‘Shut up.’

What do you think of this intro to a children's story?
I think that it has a lot of potential, The descriptive words are very vivid. It is easy to picture the things that you are talking about. I think that if you are going to focus on the boy and girl though you need to develop them more. You introduce the parents and not the children. Kids focus on people that they can relate to. (They still use their imiginations so they picture themselves in the scene.. see: Harry Potter) I think that you have a really good future in front of you. You should take one of those writing for children courses.
Reply:Im sorry but as the mother of a four year old and 5 year old. They would be bord without a doubt. If it was say for a 7 or 10 year old then it is a good start.however i dont like the words shut up. Because i monitor what my children say. and my children wouldnt have a clue what ornithology was eathier,and it also sounds to much like hary potter
Reply:Sounds like a 1920's book. (no offence)
Reply:Too long to read. The beginning should say different FROM other towns.I'm sorry i did not read the rest.It was just too dull. Be Blessed!
Reply:Quite honestly, I think you need to punch it up a bit... It was kind of slow going, and definitely needs a lot of work in the english and grammar department. Keep working at it though! It sounds imaginative at least. :o)
Reply:i think it's very good. if you don't use it i might steal it.

a couple of things, you have to remember who your target audience is and write accordingly, use less big words. also i think your grammar needs a bit of work buts nothing a editor can't fix. if a publisher likes your work you will work with an editor and proof reader to correct any mistakes.

i think you have some real potential for a great story there.
Reply:To a child's book, what age we talking, little kid, that seems advanced. But plus little kids don't have big attention spans. Length you might want to think about. I read the 1st half and it seemed boring.
Reply:It shows great imagination and really paints a picture. I have no problem with "Shut up" as another responder did. I agree with someone else that the grammar and punctuation needs to be corrected. But I think what would improve the most is bringing in the action quicker. You have all the time in the world to describe this imaginary world but modern tastes, unlike Victorian tastes, are for action rather than description. Good luck. Don’t worry about the grammar and punctuation - these are of secondary importance to ideas, pacing and plot. They need to be corrected but don’t spend hours on something a proof reader could help you with. Better to just get the thing written. Good Luck.