Some samples of my writing, judge away...?

He was born in the dead heat of a mid-summer’s day, so they said. But he sure didn’t have to like it. His grey eyes flickered across the meadow. It was a most peaceful scene, with the slightly sun burnt whip-grass tossing to and fro....he might’ve appreciated such a heart warming sight. But, as it were, with him under several layers of leather armor and mail, burning up from the heat, he trampled over the wild flowers without much thought.



He greeted his mother with a small bow and then a small kiss upon the cheek…may not leave any trace of color on his lips, but it did have a slightly nasty aftertaste.



“How goes your task?” she asked in her usual sort of way (with a slight hint of condescension and somehow, indifference)...

“That will not do, Illusian. That will not do at all. You know your brothers have already achieved so much more on their trips.” There was a hateful inflection when she said brothers. But one can hardly blame her, since he was her only son.

Some samples of my writing, judge away...?
Adrienne,



Here's an edit.



Quote



He was born on a mid-summer’s day in the dead heat. His grey eyes flickered across the meadow. It was a most peaceful scene, with the slightly sun burnt whip-grass tossing to and fro.



He might have appreciated such a heart warming sight, but as it were, with several layers of leather mail armor and, burning up from the heat, he trampled over the wild flowers under a veil of indifference.



He greeted his mother with a small bow and a small kiss on the cheek. “Hello, mother.”



“How goes your task?” she asked. It was with a slight hint of condescension and indifference.



He opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off abruptly.



“That will not do, Illusian. That will not do at all. You know your brothers have already achieved so much more on their trips.” There was a hateful inflection when she said brothers, but one can hardly blame her, since he was her only son.



Unquote





This is the way it should be written, but it’s very confusing. Is she mentally ill? Also, I took out the part of any trace of anything on her cheek. I didn’t see any reason for it to be there. Does this Knight wear lipstick? Please don’t take this as a cutting remark, it’s not. I only show you what a literary agent or editor will do in my stead. Don't use ( ) when using descriptive data in dialogue. Do it the way I did it after the words 'how goes your task.'



PJ M
Reply:A litlle flowery. As an opener, it took two reads to get into the character of 'he'. Readers have to be grabbed in the first few sentences and want some more. Keep up the good work.
Reply:kinda blahhhh, i cringe when you use words like 'hateful'..try to use more subtle adjectives, ncie effort though ;)